Why does it have to be so hard?

I dont know where to begin; im trying my hardest to do whats best for me and these boys why does it hurt so much? why is it so hard to get past all this? everytime i hug him i cry; it hurts so much but were not good together we havent been that "couple" for the longest time i do care about him but the love that kept me there even through the hardest struggles; its not there anymore i dont have the strength to keep trying i dont have the determination i had all those years i gave up and if i can give up that easily then was it really ment to be? i wonder about that all the time he comes over to see his kids now its been 3 weeks since all this happened and when he brings everything up it makes me feel like shit; i feel like the bad guy to our boys because their dads not here; i dont know what the future holds i cant say because you cant predict everything, i hope things stay alrite between us i hope we can stay friends and not fight for the sake of these amazing little boys but only time will tell how thats going to go; i would have stuck with it had he done one important thing i asked him to but i was never enough for him to try to better his self and now that im not with him he wants to do everything i asked him to then?? why is he fucking with my heart like this? Im with an amazing guy that makes my world rock he makes me smile all day long he makes me laugh so hard he tells me stuff that brings happy tears to my eyes he makes me feel like a queen he tells me he loves me and he accepts my kids hes there for me through everything even when i know its hard on him through this all hes been amazing and he stays up with me when we talk he tells me im beautiful and that he only wants me i fell for him because hes amazing he's the one for me im gunna stick with him hes the better person for me im gunna do everything in my power to make him as happy as he makes me to bring that smile to his face that he gives me everytime i see his face; I love you Marcus Lasalde your my guy and im not going anywere.